The Passion of Christopher Pierznik

Last night, we were hit with a new trailer for the upcoming Superman film, Man Of Steel:

I’m not going to lie, the film looks pretty great. It’s also clear that producer Christopher Nolan, director of the The Dark Knight trilogy, has his fingerprints all over the look and feel of the film. Watching the trailers for Man Of Steel, I feel like I’m watching a remix of the trailers for Batman Begins. They may as well have called it Superman Begins.  

Although I trust Nolan more than my own wife and this film looks like the real deal (unlike the abysmal Superman Returns), I’m not all that excited for this film. 

Why?

Well, one reason:

Superman sucks.

Allow me to expand on this point.

He’s boring. He has no personality. I don’t care that he’s an alien. There are aliens that are interesting. Superman is about as lifeless as the extraterrestrial that Will Smith punched in Independence Day. Plus, he’s too pure. When there’s no conflict, there’s no intrigue. 

He represents mid-20th Century xenophobia. The people that claim that Superman is America are the same people that believe in American Exceptionalism, an idea that just because you were born in a certain area of the planet, you are automatically better than someone that was not and that God loves you more. That is a delusional, narcissistic view of the world, much like Superman's narcissistic and myopic view of Metropolis. “Truth, Justice, and the American Way” just screams, “We know better than you!” and it’s been proven over the past couple of decades that that isn’t always the case.

His “disguise” is ridiculous. In fairness, all of Metropolis share in the blame for this, but we’re supposed to believe that a pair of dorky glasses  can completely change who you are? It can’t. That’s why it doesn’t work for hipsters, either. He doesn’t even change his hair! Also, Clark Kent is a douche. 

He’s become too powerful. Early on, Superman couldn’t fly. That’s why the original radio series said that he could “leap tall buildings in a single bound.” He didn’t fly! He jumped really, really far (much like John Carter, on whom much of the Superman character is based), but he didn’t fly. As the character progressed, so did his powers, culminating in his ability to turn back time to save his love, Lois Lane:

(this also proves his selfishness - he’s not in it for humanity, he’s in it for American pussy.)

This ties in with the boring point, but where is the drama if you can just turn back time whenever something bad happens? It’s like pressing reset on a video game console. It no longer matters if you win or lose, because the consequences will be erased until you win. At some point, Superman became an infallible god rather than a human-like alien with exceptional (though not unbeatable) abilities. For me, this was much like Hulk Hogan in the mid-‘80s. You could have shot Hogan in the head and he would have done that dumb shtick where he shakes the ropes, bulges his eyes out, puffs his cheeks, and beats you with some terrible move. As a child, I hated both Superman and Hulk Hogan for two reasons: (a) they couldn’t be beaten and I found that incredibly unfair and just silly; and (b) everyone else loved them. Yes, they always won, but there was never any doubt and therefore never any drama, even when kryptonite was introduced into the mix.

Nothing made me happier in recent years than the rise of Batman coinciding with the fall of Superman in our cultural psyche. Superman represented an idyllic fantasy of what we could be, but Batman embodied the grim reality of what we truly are. At every turn, Batman is infinitely more interesting than Superman. Batman was the cool kid with decent grades that played a sport and dated the hottest girls in the school while Superman was that turd with a 4.3 GPA that sat at the front of the class, answered every question and reminded the teacher to assign homework before a holiday weekend. Just look at their alter egos: Clark Kent vs. Bruce Wayne.

Who would you rather be?

Christopher Pierznik’s first novel, Sacrifice Fly, is now available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle. He is also the author of The Hip-Hop 10. A former feature contributor and managing editor ofIHateJJRedick, he has also written for XXL, PleaseDon’t Stare, Amusing My Bouche, Reading & Writing is for Dumb People, and others. He works in finance and spends his evenings changing diapers, washing baby bottles, and drinking craft beer. He once applied to be a cast member on The Real World, but was rejected. You can like his Facebook page here or follow him on Twitter here.